Stupid Cancer

 

This story is as much for my children reading this as it is for the rest of you. I find writing cathartic and it also journals life from my perspective for my kids to have later on. I let writing go for a while as you can see if you look back over my previous posts. Yep, it's been awhile, but I'm back! I tried to write on another platform and just didn't like it. This one feels natural for me. 

So, hello everyone! I'm back! 😁

Now for the post-

Back in fall of '22, T and I decided 2023 was for us. We would travel, do things around Colorado, visit the kids, all sorts of US time. Who doesn't want "us time" when you love the person you're married to? We couldn't wait. Well best laid plans, right? We got GREAT news in late fall of '22 not just about one but TWO new grandbabies coming summer of '23. Of course we'd want to be present for those new littles. In early '23 we found out the Walkers were on a journey that eventually led them home, and then there was this nagging lump in my breast. All sorts of happenings that were not on our radar when we planned our "US" year. We can try as we might to plan, and planning is good, don't get me wrong, but keeping all things open-handed allows God to take our plans and make adjustments as we pray for His will not ours. And we LOVE our kids and grandkids so investing in them always ranks at the top of the list when it comes to plans. Back to the lump...

I found a lump in my breast oh February, maybe March. I kept a close eye on it seeing if it shrank or grew. I told T about it, we kept track of it, and after a couple months I went to my doc to decide if it was anything to worry about. Now, I have had plenty of lumps over the years and can tell if it's a PMS lump, too much coffee lump, or a lump that doesn't belong there. This one, it didn't belong there. I have a strong family history of breast cancer so that nagged at me too. I didn't dwell on it, just took it serious. I've been so careful with my breast care. Mammograms, physicals, nursed my babies, all the things that say - Let's keep those breasts healthy. 

I went to my yearly mammogram and just knew this one was different. LOTS of pictures, then an ulrasound, and a quiet tech. All that signs that shouted at me- HEY LADY, I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM. So after this little visit and them saying they need more info on what they are seeing on the screen, I scheduled a biospy. Please ask me about this if you plan to have one. It was HORRIFIC at best. I should have gone straight to the lumpectomy honestly. My breast was compressed crazy tight for over an hour. Mm hmm. Never again. 

I remember checking my portal over and over again for the next few days. I needed to know what I already suspected. I was hanging out in the family room with Elizabeth and Terrell checking once again and my email said, "You have new results". Sitting down quietly to read the lab report I saw the word "carcinoma". Looking up at them, feeling like I had just been kicked in the stomach, almost numb really, I said, "I have cancer". Never would I wish those words for anyone and here I was saying them out loud. We sat quietly for a while, taking it in. Boo and I had plans that afternoon and this stupid cancer wasn't going anywhere, so off we went. They both asked if we should cancel our plans, T was also getting ready to head out of town and more than willing to stay home. I said no, not much we can do but stare at each other. It's not going to change the results. Boo and I walked out to get in the car and I just started crying. We stopped and hugged in the garage for a minute. I told Boo that I was so thankful they're home. They had barely been back state side a few weeks.  It's good to be surrounded by your family when things hurt. And this hurt. 

My head was spinning. What's next? I spoke to my GP and she gave me a great pep talk. This cancer is super early DCIS non invasive. You're good.  Get in to see the surgeon, have it removed and see what's next.

Time to do some research- and try to keep the room from spinning.

DCIS- some say it isn't even classified as cancer. Well if that's the case, it's not getting removed. I'll deal with this another way. My mom beat cancer with nutrition, I can too. 

I am one research queen. And in the middle of all the research, Bec was having signs of labor. This gramma was supposed to be at the birth. Oh goodness, more calls to my doc. Can I wait this out and go help my daughter? Yes! was the answer and the best answer she could have given me. It slowed me down, wayyyy down. Off I went to Washington for a few weeks to be with my new granddaughter and breathed enough to see clearly. I bought 5 books on beating cancer naturally, watched podcasts, read like crazy whatever I could, prayed and prayed for discernment and snuggled with Valerie. Babies are good for keeping us grounded.

We made an appointment with the surgeon, and she presented all the options from total mastectomy to lumpectomy to hormonal treatment. I told her my views, she told me hers, and we left with a lot to think about.  And cry some more. I have cried and cried. I am already a crier so throw something like this in mix and you're gonna see the tears flow. We went to church one Sunday and some friends had a good honest conversation with us asking me,

Why wouldn't you want it out? 

Honestly, I needed to hear this. We were praying, seeking wisdom, seeing doctors and learning more than I'd like about Standard of Care, which is not always good, just saying. Cancer is not a one size fits all and its super important to look at the whole person, heal the whole person. I needed someone to say the hard thing and it helped me move forward having it removed. 

After meeting with my surgeon, we decided to have the surgery in mid- August. We had lots happening this summer and this cancer had to get in line with the rest of my life. By this point I had changed my diet and began using supplements to strengthen my immune system. I was doing what I knew to do as best as I could do it.  Time for another family adventure. We moved Lina and Sage, and all the Walkers to Tennessee. The beginning of a new chapter for them and us.  Once we got home, I had the lumpectomy. That surgery went far better than I anticipated. I healed well and was only on Advil and Tylenol a short while. We waited excepting the results again. I was so ready to use the words HAD cancer. We went on a fun date and finished up our night at a local brewery playing cribbage. After checking my email too many times that day, my results were in my portal. Clean margins, yay. But this one word- invasive- was on the report. What! How can it go from non invasive DCIS to this? Seriously? Tears flowed again. Sunglasses went on.  I needed this be done. Wanted it to be done. Over. Finished. And it's not. It broke through.  The margins are clear so in that I was super happy. My surgeon called the next week and said, "Tina, I want to take a sentinel node." We argued a bit cause I did NOT want to have another surgery.  She said to me, "Look, you've surprised me this far. I don't want anymore surprises." So we left it at that, and I said I'd let her know what I decide when we come in for my appointment. 

By this point, I am once again researching like a crazy woman. Telling Terrell everything I'm learning, telling my kids everything I'm reading, telling my sister everything all over again. Processing out loud daily. We had an appointment with a nutritional oncologist scheduled so that came next. Talk about a great appointment. An hour and half later, we left confident about next steps. 

Her advice and plan: Yes, have the node removed; know as much as you can. Yes, she will be there to support us through treatment and with nutrition. Yes, there are more tests that we can do going beyond Standard of Care tests. It was a YES kind of day. I felt supported and reassured that I can do both; surgery once again and keep healing with natural methods. We had another trip planned to Tennessee that I was not about to miss. Our next grandbaby was born, and ALL my kids would be together for the first time in three years. Surgery had to wait again. And wait it did. 

October 3rd came up pretty quickly. The time in Tennessee was a good distraction. Celebrated lots of birthdays and enjoyed all 7 of our grand kids. Another quick in and out surgery. I was once again anticipating the results. This surgery has taken a bit more out of me. Maybe, looking at it in hindsight, its cause I was just weeks out of the other surgery. Maybe it's not sleeping and feeling fatigued. I'm listening and taking it slower this time 'round. The results came in early one morning last week and I wasn't surprised. I knew in my spirit the cancer was there, no surprise this time. God was gracious to prepare me. And sure enough this little lymphy as I call it, had some cancer cells present. Not too many but they up and journeyed to the node. Darn it all, stupid cancer. I walked to T's office barely awake, leaned on his doorway and told him the news. Not what I wanted to say, not what he hoped to hear. 

I am very grateful for the nudging to have the node removed, I am very grateful for the lumpectomy getting rid of the cancer there, I am grateful for a very good surgeon who was patient with me as I processed this all, and I am grateful we know more now that when we started. 

So now I wait. I have a bunch of appointments soon with different oncologists, my surgeon, my natural oncologist and once we have the full idea of choices, we will pray, sit a minute and then decide what's next.

When I started this journey back in May, I never would have thought it would take me to this day. It's crazy when I really think about it. I still cry. I hate it, all of it. Cancer sucks. And definitely an inconvenience. We had plans this year; somehow cancer didn't get the memo. 

Through all this crazy, two things have been my constant. Jesus and my husband. 

God is my center. He holds my life in his hands, and I trust His sovereignty. My faith is unwavering.

My husband. He's my rock that I lean on. My steady force of nature that is always present, always listening. Sits in the quiet with me, holds my hand, brings me icepacks, snuggles with me, learns with me, hikes with me, takes me on long drives, tells me to stop-he's got this- when I do too much and just lets me cry. He is there. I love him immensely and am so grateful. 

Grateful. Thats one word that keep popping up. Oh man, I am so grateful. Life has thrown us a curve ball that sucks. No way around it. It sucks. But nowhere in God's word does it say we won't be without trouble. We will have hard times, suffering, and sadness. We're human. We break. We hurt. But-to embrace God's goodness, oh yes!  He has been working up stream for so long in my life. I see it in so many circumstances. This is no surprise to him. All of our kids are stateside- grateful. Ezra is thriving- grateful. I have a family I love that loves me back- grateful. I have a husband I adore that loves me too- grateful. I have team of doctors that I can discuss what's best for me- grateful. I have a church that is sold out for Jesus- grateful. I have a sister I call every single day that hears me - grateful. I have a community group with church that supports us- grateful. I have friends who check on me- grateful. The list goes on. I will cry more, oh that's for sure. I know the tears have yet to subside. But do hear me when I say, there truly is peace that only comes from knowing Jesus. He sees me and knows me. He sees my heartache and understands. He sees my husband's heartache and understands. So along with the hard times of this journey, also comes an immense amount of gratitude. How can heartache and gratitude ever be in the same sentence or even in the same room together? That's what life is when it's embraced by Jesus. 

So we continue this journey. No clue what's next. But continue we shall.  

Until then... may you find hope when the days are dark. May you find peace to rest at night. May you find laughter as it heals the soul.

Thanks for listening,

Tuna Jones